By Dave Thomas
Today is Willie Nelson’s 83rd birthday, and we’re going to celebrate with one of his favorite things. What? No, not that. Not us, anyway. You go right ahead.
What we had in mind was jokes. Willie loves a good joke. He loves a bad joke. He particularly loves a dirty joke, though we can’t share any of those with you here.
Instead, here are 7 mostly clean jokes included in Willie’s 2002 book “The Facts of Life and Other Dirty Jokes.” If you are offended by any of ‘em, you shoulda seen the ones we left out.
Willie likes blonde jokes …
The blonde went into the body shop to get a couple of dents fixed in her car. The guy at the body shop decided to play a joke on the blonde. He said, “You can save a lot of money. Blow on the exhaust pipe and all the dents will come out of your car.” The blonde said “Thanks, I’ll try that!”
She went home, parked in the driveway, crawled under the car and started blowing on the exhaust pipe. She was blowing and blowing when her friend, another blonde, came over and said “What the hell are you doing?”
The first blonde said “I’m trying to blow the dents out of my car!”
Her friend said, “Duh! You’ve gotta roll up the windows!”
Willie likes golf jokes ….
The other day a lady golfer came into the pro shop complaining of a terrible bee sting. “Where did it sting you?” asked the golf pro. “Between the first and second hole,” she cried. The pro said, “Well the first thing, your stance is too wide!”
Willie really likes golf jokes ….
These guys were playing golf one day when a funeral passed by on the road next to the golf course. One of the players took off his hat and waited until the procession passed. One of his fellow golfers said, “John, that’s mighty respectable of you to do that.”
The guy said, “It’s the least I can do for her. We would have been married twenty years today.”
Willie likes drunk jokes ….
Did you hear about the drunk who was walking down the street when a guy carrying a huge grandfather clock came out of an antique store and bumped into him? The drunk accidentally knocked the antique collector to the ground and the clock broke into a thousand pieces. The man with clock said, “Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
The drunk looked at the guy and said, “Why don’t you have a wristwatch like everybody else?”
Willie really likes drunk jokes ….
Did you hear about the drunk who leaned a little too close to a second-story window and fell out? He was laying on the sidewalk when someone ran up and asked what happened. The drunk looked up and said, “Hell, I don’t know. I just got here.”
Willie likes health jokes ….
There was a guy who had been in a coma for a long time. They had given up on him ever recovering. He was lying in bed when an aroma came down the hall and into the bedroom. He suddenly opened his eyes. It was the smell of his favorite food, chocolate chip cookies. The man fell out of bed and crawled down the hall toward the aroma. Sure enough, when he reached the kitchen, there they were, hot cookies! He pulled himself up onto the table to grab one of the cookies. Suddenly, his wife came over, slepped his hand and said “No, no, honey. These are for the funeral.”
Willie likes dirty jokes ….
A lady went into a drugstore asking if they had Viagra. The pharmacist said yes, and she asked, “Have you ever tried it?” He said he had. She then asked, “Can you get it over the counter?” He looked down and said, “I think I could … if I took two.”