Come one, come all to the Air Sex Championships at SOS Fest

You can keep your Longhorns and your Red Raiders. Sound On Sound Fest’s Saturday nailbiter hinged on a different kind of touchdown.

The Air Sex Championship gathered the best, the brightest, the most limber for a knock-up, drag-down fight for the copulation crown and a spot in the next stage of the competition, featuring comers from all across the country. The contest — which involves more storylines and dramatic interpretation than its name suggests — is also one of the clearest links between this first-year fest and the looming spirit of its predecessor, Fun Fun Fun Fest, which also hosted the contest. Hopefuls were ushered on-stage like pro wrestlers and given free reign to thrust, hump, yank and shudder before a panel of judges, backed by a pre-selected soundtrack. “American Idol” mixed with a porno mixed with Marcel Marceau, let’s call it.

"Grandmaster Smash" performs in the Air Sex Championships at Sound On Sound Fest on Saturday, Nov. 5, 2016.

“Grandmaster Smash” performs in the Air Sex Championships at Sound On Sound Fest on Saturday, Nov. 5, 2016.

This was not an hour of pantomime missionary. One female contestant came out wearing a Jon Snow-style cloak to “I’m So Excited,” proceeding to prowl across the stage and simulate two manual stimulations at once. She lost her hair tie after engaging an IKEA chair in her routine. Another contestant, a clean-cut fellow dubbed “Too Big To Fail” whom one judge likened to a boy band member, shed his clothes to “Bootylicious” before flicking his tongue wildly in a mimed, upside-down embrace. One woman in a nun costume cavorted and contorted to “Papa Don’t Preach.” Another man — “Grandmaster Smash” was his name — turned a thin-air massage session into a cavernous spelunking expedition into the female reproductive system.

Air Sex Champion competition winner, because we're all good at something.

A post shared by Eric Webb (@ericwebb89) on

When all was said and done, the judges selected their final three: the crawler, the spelunker and “Percival Von Humpston,” a lithe young man who had woven a vivid tale of a sex swing through grand flourishes and curled lips to Jennifer Hudson’s rendition of “And I Am Telling You.” The final lightning round song, “Close Your Eyes and Count To F***” by SOS Fest artists Run the Jewels, was a surprise to all edging for the winner’s spot. The top trio each took their own approach, a whirling, fleshy dervish of calisthenics, twerking and high camp. But it was Percival who got lucky, showered with the most audience applause and subsequently showered with the most of something else.

Air Sex Championships, for all their weirdness, actually seem to fit a little better at a festival set in an Olde English forest encampment an hour outside of town.


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